First Time

Today I did something I have never done before.  And after I finished and emerged a slightly more worldly man, I somehow felt cheapened, and slightly worthless, a little less sure about who I was and what the world around me was all about.  I do admit it was overall a good experience, but the moments of excitement were balanced with moments of self-reflection:  "Am I inadequate?"

What did I do?  I don't think anyone will guess this:  I read Hello! Canada magazine.  http://www.hellomagazine.ca/magazine/

That's right.  The magazine that somehow makes celebrities accessible like the people next door.  Madonna didn't choose Malawi.  Malawi chose Madonna, so she says.  Or the Vermount house where writer John Irving lives with his Toronto career-woman wife turned agent is enjoying the life in their long and narrow house, specifically built to maximize sunshine in each room.  Then pictures of Business Magnate Lise Watier and her husband's wine cellars and poodle in a country home so that her 'vision' of the family sharing 'special moments' in this sprawling lakeside mansion where each grand kid can have his or her own space all of sudden makes me realize that I have none of this.  And that I have no vision for any of this.  My simple urban condo life doesn't have zebra skin zig zags on exotic hardwood stain floors, or gala dinners, or being called a god or godess by the media.  Intersperse that with ads about opening your "Scuba in Aruba" account with the Royal Bank and the LOVE hanging out "Blackberry" phone, and you go from opulence to dreams, to a world that I simply am not connected with.

The verdict for me is still out whether or not this dream academy is a good thing or a bad thing.  Will I aspire by reading mini-stories of Jude Law shunning his new daughter and shopping with his 3 sons and father in London, or Brad Pitt falling off his custom made motor-bike but that he's 'OK'?  Or will I ask myself -- "um....why is this relevant"?

So -- perhaps I can just say, I'm not the target for this magazine.  I flip through and see ads for Covergirl (I don't use make-up except for the odd stage performance), Cascade (which I do use), and Nina Ricci (which I don't).  Then I feel the texture of the pages.  Smooth.  Glossy.  Coloured (= expensive) pictures of everything.  And I spot that this is a weekly.  Maybe I should just touch the magazine.  Perhaps if I do that, I won't feel so cheapened, so worthless.  I'll remain vigorous and tactile and keep my soul and self-worth intact.  We'll see.  I may read a couple more mags just to see if it changes me as a person.  For those who interact with me in physical space, mark this day, November 10, 2009.  Is Hello! Canada changing me for the better or worse?

Posted via web from middledragon's posterous